Demand Dignity in Public Speaking Training

Mandy*, a bright, attractive professional woman, had a fear of speaking in front of groups. Recognizing that her feelings of vulnerability and self-consciousness were limiting her potential, she showed up for a presentation skills class filled with trepidation. In the class, the students spent the morning listening to the instructor explain the rules of public speaking. That afternoon, they gave their presentations to the group.

After nervously waiting through five other talks, Mandy took her place at the front of the room-her heart pounding and hands shaking. She plowed through her 10-minute presentation with her mind in an out-of-body blur. When she finished, Mandy obeyed the instructor's direction to remain front-and-center to receive her feedback. Comments started with a few "That's a good color on you" and "You had good eye contact" platitudes, but then the real critique began. She used way too many "ums." She shifted her weight too much. Her hair was in her eyes. Her voice was too soft. Most of all, her excessive gestures simply had to be brought under control! Luckily, the instructor had a gesture-reduction plan. He playfully took a piece of rope from a cardboard box, used it to bind Mandy's hands behind her back, and had her give the entire presentation over again.

Did this experience help Mandy overcome her feelings of vulnerability and self-consciousness? Of course not. She shuffled home feeling humiliated and victimized. Rather than compassionately working with Mandy as the vulnerable, dignified, gifted human being she is, the instructor treated her like a horse whose spirit and wild habits had to be broken with ropes. Literally. Previous Training As A Source of Fear

In my 15 years of coaching public speaking, I've worked with hundreds of anxiety-ridden speakers. Surprisingly, they often referred to previous speaking training as a source of their fear. They've been badgered, nit-picked, and intimidated-all stemming from a well-intentioned belief that if you fix the mechanics, confidence will follow.

For many people, this approach is, at the very least, ineffective-and it can damage one's sense of dignity. If you see the audience as the enemy, mastering the art of the upward-hand-sweep-with-the-dramatic-flourish will not make those faces any less threatening. Even worse, this mechanical approach can be devastating if you feel insecure to begin with, then walk away with an even longer list of deficiencies to correct.

Of course, there's value in noticing distracting habits and getting them under control. If you're already comfortable in the spotlight, great; go ahead and fine-tune the mechanics. But if you're like Mandy and anxiety is your primary issue (and believe me, you're not alone), a mechanical approach may do more harm than good.

What You Need from Training

So what do you need, if not the mechanics? Here are four things you'd be wise to demand from your training session:

1. Work on the cause of your discomfort, not merely the symptoms.

Most people say that one-on-one or in a small group, they're comfortable with speaking; they only feel awkward when speaking to a large group. If that's the case, there's good news: You don't have to work on your speaking; you have to work on getting comfortable being the center of attention. It may not seem like a significant shift but it is. Speakers tend to work only on what they're putting out to the audience (content, appearance, visual aids, voice). Often, the real work is learning to let in what's coming from audience members, namely their attention.

2. Demand a dignified, healthy process, not just a good outcome.

In Mandy's case, even without ropes, she would probably gesture less the next time she spoke, but is that really success? Though the end result of her training was fewer gestures, the teacher cut a swath of emotional destruction on the way. Desired ends don't justify humiliating means. Always demand to be treated with respect as you work to develop your speaking skills.

3. Insist on privacy regarding your video.

A common tool in presentation skills training is video, but your video is no one's business but yours. I have seen accomplished, respected professionals shrink in horror as their video was shown to and critiqued by the entire class. All learning value was lost because they were too mortified by the public display to learn anything. Besides, it's a waste of time. The class just saw you present the real thing. Why make them watch you twice? In my workshops, students go to the fun and funky "Learning Lounge" where they have a private video monitor with earphones, snacks, a comfortable chair, cozy quilts, and a soothing foot massager. The lighthearted atmosphere takes the sting out of self-awareness so students can concentrate on learning. Nothing good comes from public humiliation, so if you're not comfortable with a public video viewing, stand up for your right to privacy.

4. Feel free to explore your gifts.

"Stay inside the lines." Remember that one? You got a new box of crayons and wanted to go crazy with them, but a teacher or parent squashed your creativity by making you color inside pre-existing lines. The same happens in speaking. Max, a former student of mine, had always been told to follow the rules as a speaker, so he concentrated on his voice, his stance, his visual aids, etc. When given permission to forget the rules and speak from his heart, a delightful dry sense of humor emerged that made him much more likeable and, therefore, more persuasive. He incorporated this gift into a presentation that was already effective in the traditional sense, but now had a wonderful new dimension that would have been missed had he not played "outside the lines."

Mechanics have their place, but you may need to go beyond nit-picking mechanics. You're a unique human being with gifts, talents, stories, fears, dreams, and heart. Don't settle for anything less than a dignified, compassionate approach.

Even horses deserve that.

* Name has been changed to protect privacy.

You Were Created With Dignity And Worth

God did not desire mechanical robots that would involuntarily and without emotion follow His commands. Instead, God passionately desires living souls on whom He can lavish His love, and with whom He can enjoy a meaningful, intimate relationship. God desires relationship with human beings. He wants friendship. He longs for a deep heart connect. For this purpose He created you.

What would dignify His love? How would you know His love was genuine?

In order for His love to be real, and in order for your love to be authentic, He created you with the freedom to choose. That’s right! You have the freedom to choose. He will never force you to say yes to Him. He created you with great dignity and worth. You have the freedom to choose to receive His love or to reject His love. God honors the choices you make. He will never violate the dignity of your free will. Remember, love is not real love without a choice. Love is not real love without the freedom to say yes or the freedom to say no to love’s invitation.

Therefore, the temptations in this natural world had to be real.

The choices had to be real. You will choose good or evil, righteousness or unrighteousness, justice or injustice. You have the freedom to love or to hate, to live in peace or strife, to choose life or death, to say yes or no, to be happy or sad, to pursue humility or pride, to choose blessing or cursing. It’s your choice to give love, or to withhold love, to respond with harshness or with gentleness. It’s your choice! You get to choose. And, the choices you make in freedom are real and really matter. The choices you make have consequences in this life and the next. The decisions you make today affect the quality of your life now and in the age to come. Every one of your choices matter.

God risked everything for love – imagine His vulnerability.

This is stunning! He loves you and nothing can or will ever change that fact. Love Himself will always love you. God’s love is without condition. This means that you can choose to receive His love or you can choose to scorn His love. In either case, His love remains the same. His love does not change based on what you do or do not do. He loves you so much and that’s all there is to it. That fact cannot be questioned, negotiated, or diluted. It simply is. You are passionately loved by God.

Oh, the vulnerability of God’s heart! His heart will feel pain if you choose to refuse His love. That is the risk of love. Jesus said, I am not willing that any should perish (live eternally separated from God). That’s His heart. But remember, love is not love unless you have the freedom to choose. What a risk! He risked being rejected. He risked a broken heart. He risked His reputation. He risked the very real fact that you could refuse His love.

Think about this –

God created you with great love, care and delicate precision down to every single detail of your life. He made you with purpose and for a purpose. He breathed His very own breath into you. He is the one who sustains your life. He is the one who cares most about you. Yet, because authentic love is selfless love, God keeps His hand open and says “now, you choose…”

Don’t think for a minute that God sits back with His arms crossed and passively waits for you to choose to receive or to refuse His love. Not a chance!

My friend, trace your life’s story and you will begin to see how relentlessly He has pursued your heart. Love seeks to win your affection but ultimately you choose. This is the dignity of your human spirit, and Love will never violate your free will.

Insurgent Psychology - Honour, Dignity, Shame And Humiliation - The Roots Of An Endless War

Working out the perspectives for war takes a certain type of empathy. It should not be confused with sympathy or even, in this case, as necessitating a positive connotation. Every general should be empathetic to his enemy counterpart. If he is to stand a good chance of anticipating his moves and thereby forearming himself with the knowledge to defeat him, he must understand, get a feel for, and even put himself in the practical and psychological shoes of his opponent. This was sorely lacking both in the Administration and the Pentagon.

The Administration’s want of cultural and humanitarian empathy meant Iraq was lost on the psychological level before a boot could hit the ground or a shot could be fired. The simplistic attitude that US occupation would be unconditionally welcomed and that there would be a relatively smooth transition to a model Western-style democracy, which would act as a bulwark against fundamentalism and a beacon to transform other regimes in the region was pure fantasy. If anything testifies just how divorced from reality the Bush Administration is, it was this. Indeed it was something, which was so stubbornly entrenched that, they continued to believe in their own propaganda when the entire country began burning down around them. Their attitude was a gross misconception, derived from the inflated egocentric, all-American, Imperialist mindset that consumed the Administration and which doomed it to calamity for the start. It was very much reminiscent of the arrogant way in which Central and Latin America has been regarded as the United States’ backyard, and now euphemistically re-named our “neighbourhood” by Bush.

The Administration and the Army made no initial effort to understand the psychology of the Arabic and Muslim mind and the ways in which its invasion would be perceived and eventually repulsed. The problem with the egocentric and ethnocentric mind is that it, at best, perceives all others as thinking and feeling in ways which it does, of having the same norms and values as the West and believing itself to be perceived as some marvellous example to be modelled. At worst, the West still views other cultures as inferior and in need of civilizing, by force, if necessary. Not for one moment did the Bush Administration consider that Arabs and Muslims have their own quite different emphasis on mores and values, which often come into sharp conflict with those of the West and which they are deeply devoted to defending.

Consequently, with the utmost arrogance, US troops booted down the door of Arab values and brought the worst of all possible insults upon them by dishonouring and humiliating them. In a region and culture, both Arabic and Muslim, where one’s dignity and honour are to be defended at all cost, including one’s life, the US shamed the Iraqi nation, the Arab nation and the Muslim world. This, in a culture where shame is the worst possible of destinies - unlike the guilt based societies of the West.

The psychological and political difference is important and not semantic. Guilt focuses on inappropriate, bad behaviour aimed at creating a social conscience. Shame concerns self worth and profoundly affects a sense of value towards one's worthiness to exist. Guilt can lead to reforms, while shame can lead to more harmful consequences, especially in terms of violence towards oneself or those who create it.

If shame is a stronger component of a culture than guilt then the motivation to avoid guilt leading to shame is far greater. The fight for one's honour is therefore much more ferocious than in a culture where guilt is more ready accepted and then paid for and forgiven. Indeed, it rules out compromise, negotiation or trading. It is above legal statutes. It is a matter of life and death.

If a shame-based culture is attacked and threatened with humiliation and dishonour, the likely reaction will be fiercer than guilt based cultures. This is the case in the Middle East and among Arab and Muslim peoples, among others. And what comes with it is a tendency to need to regain one's honour through retribution and retaliatory shaming of the persecutor. This extends to become the blood feud common to many Eastern rather than Western societies and is very dangerous once extended along national and religious dimensions.

It is a reason why the humiliation and shaming of the Palestinians has made it the cause célèbre of the Arab and Muslim world and also explains the ferocity of the eventual resistance to the US occupation in Iraq and its condemnation of by Arabs and Muslims worldwide. The occupation is felt and empathized as a humiliating, shameful, dishonour perpetrated by the infidel, United States upon Arab and Muslim brothers and sisters.

For Arabs and Muslims their honour and the shaming of themselves and their brethren is something, which cannot go unavenged. One must be prepared to die for it. It is linked to the culture of retribution, where a hurt or death brought upon another of one’s family, tribe or clan must be avenged and this now extends to one’s sect, nation, ethnicity and common religion.

The Bush administration, thus, blindly and arrogantly entered a war, which would inevitably result in a ceaseless Arab fight to regain their lost honour, dignity, pride, and to exact revenge upon an infidel who has dared to so grievously injure it. The shame dimension of the conflict rules out a negotiated settlement. The fight for regaining honour cannot be compromised, traded or negotiated; it can only be one to the death. Therefore, psycho-culturally, the US has entered an unwinable and endless war, so long as it refuses to back down.

The Administration was three times blind to these subterranean forces at work and were taken in by their own initial and fictitious victory following the initial shock of invasion. They were doubly taken aback by the new opposition, which emerged in multifarious forms triggered by the overwhelming sense of humiliation felt and the Pandora’s box of unresolved internal grievances and injuries, the retribution of which has laid unsatisfied for generations and even centuries. This blindness to reality, which continued throughout the war, was epitomized in the first period, when Bush blissfully announced, in a typical act of crude bravado that “all combat operations” had ended, under the banner of “Mission Accomplished” on an aircraft carrier in 2003!

Furthermore, the United States has trampled underfoot the most basic democratic entitlement of the right of nations to self-determination. Moreover, the right of self-determination is something, which, like honour, is so basic that it goes beyond legalistic niceties and generates revolutionary fervour. And although much of the character of the struggles is clouded in forms of black reaction, they are fought with revolutionary zeal. Ironically, in different forms and from different groups, the US has taken the place of the dictator they deposed, by robbing the Iraqis of the right, the satisfaction and the honour of overthrowing Saddam themselves.

Today, the driving forces of the character of the insurgency is not so much to defeat the American enemy, as to repay him in the form of dishonouring and shaming him. Guerrilla war which is the traditional form of Arab combat, going back to Bedouin tribal times, is precisely fought, not for victory as such, but for shaming and dishonouring those who have brought shame and dishonour upon them. Bedouin tribes would not seek to conquer kingdoms and occupy others territories, so much, but rather preferred to execute raids aimed at shaming another tribe through robbing it of its honour. Much of this lies at the root of the psychology of the unwinable asymmetrical war the US is now embroiled in. The longer they stay the longer they remain an object to be shamed and dishonoured. The aim will be to defeat them, not so much militarily, which is impossible, as psychologically through the unrelenting humiliation of its forces.

The insurgent aims dictate the means. They wear down and ridicule the US army by their hit and run tactics, their invisibility, they picking off of choppers, the sniper, the IEDs and, of course the suicide bomber. When suicide bombers first emerged in Palestine and Lebanon against the overwhelming might of the Israeli forces, the responses to why they did this was that “our bodies are the only weapons, we have left.” The suicide attack is seen as the ultimate act of superiority left to the attacker – the “spiritual” superiority of having the courage to take one’s own life against an infidel enemy, hiding behind his unassailable array of armaments, defending his shameful materialistic Western values. Suicide bombing confuses and terrifies the opponent, however much feigned distain they attempt to show towards it. For similar reasons, the beaten Japanese, with a similar shame/honour culture code, resorted to the terrifying tactic of kamikaze pilots of the 2nd World War.

What hold true toward the US occupiers is also the case for the unresolved historical blood feuds between the different sects and ethnic groups. Centuries of insults are heaped on fresh memories of atrocities under the Hussein regime. The tactics of suicides, of the torture, throat slitting, public beheading and the dumping of victims in groups in street dumps or floating as bloated corpses down the Tigris, are all meant to shame and humiliate the opposite camp. This is not only applicable to the long-suffering Shiites, but conversely to the Sunnis, who are well aware that they will be held to account and face retribution for the crimes of Sunni dominated regimes of the past. They are fighting to pre-emptively shame the vengeful shamers; dishonour the avenging dishonourers in advance of an all-powerful Shia government. Indeed, in an unconscious and perverse form, part of the character of the sectarian carnage the Iraqis are wreaking upon themselves also plays a role in the blaming and shaming the US in the yes of the international community for the situation it has created.

The US cannot create stability or effect regime change, because it would entail achieving an impossible cultural change from bottom up. For these reasons, the mounting military operations to achieve security as a space to achieving political solution and national reconciliation, is purely pie in the sky. The US is applying sticky plasters to gaping gangrenous wounds at a tremendous and worthless price. They are doomed to failure. Thus they are stuck in an endless war, they cannot win.

For the blinkered and myopic, cultural ignoramuses in the White House this is a book closed with a thousand seals. Consequently, the Iraqi adventure turned out to be a victory of astonishment over foresight. But having banged their heads on it they have chosen either to ignore it, or to treat it with contempt and carry on regardless. The bankrupt Administration has chosen to simply repeat and repeat again and again the same failed strategy and tactics, regardless of whether they kept coming up with the same failed results - something someone once described as being the definition of madness.

It would take a leap of the imagination for the Administration to realize that the aim of the insurgency is not to win, but to take retribution and to heap shame upon them. Culturally, this would even be the case should they be able to win militarily! Humiliation not annihilation is their payback for the occupation. Thus, withdrawal is the only option for the US, since they cannot uproot an emotional motivation by military means. It is not just that the US cannot succeed in an asymmetrical war, but that they cannot win a psychologically asymmetrical conflict. Withdrawal will be a victory for the insurgents. But regardless of all this, sometimes eating humble pie is the most emotionally intelligent course.

Demand Dignity in Public Speaking Training

Mandy*, a bright, attractive professional woman, had a fear of speaking in front of groups. Recognizing that her feelings of vulnerability and self-consciousness were limiting her potential, she showed up for a presentation skills class filled with trepidation. In the class, the students spent the morning listening to the instructor explain the rules of public speaking. That afternoon, they gave their presentations to the group.

After nervously waiting through five other talks, Mandy took her place at the front of the room-her heart pounding and hands shaking. She plowed through her 10-minute presentation with her mind in an out-of-body blur. When she finished, Mandy obeyed the instructor's direction to remain front-and-center to receive her feedback. Comments started with a few "That's a good color on you" and "You had good eye contact" platitudes, but then the real critique began. She used way too many "ums." She shifted her weight too much. Her hair was in her eyes. Her voice was too soft. Most of all, her excessive gestures simply had to be brought under control! Luckily, the instructor had a gesture-reduction plan. He playfully took a piece of rope from a cardboard box, used it to bind Mandy's hands behind her back, and had her give the entire presentation over again.

Did this experience help Mandy overcome her feelings of vulnerability and self-consciousness? Of course not. She shuffled home feeling humiliated and victimized. Rather than compassionately working with Mandy as the vulnerable, dignified, gifted human being she is, the instructor treated her like a horse whose spirit and wild habits had to be broken with ropes. Literally.

Previous Training As A Source of Fear

In my 15 years of coaching public speaking, I've worked with hundreds of anxiety-ridden speakers. Surprisingly, they often referred to previous speaking training as a source of their fear. They've been badgered, nit-picked, and intimidated-all stemming from a well-intentioned belief that if you fix the mechanics, confidence will follow.

For many people, this approach is, at the very least, ineffective-and it can damage one's sense of dignity. If you see the audience as the enemy, mastering the art of the upward-hand-sweep-with-the-dramatic-flourish will not make those faces any less threatening. Even worse, this mechanical approach can be devastating if you feel insecure to begin with, then walk away with an even longer list of deficiencies to correct.

Of course, there's value in noticing distracting habits and getting them under control. If you're already comfortable in the spotlight, great; go ahead and fine-tune the mechanics. But if you're like Mandy and anxiety is your primary issue (and believe me, you're not alone), a mechanical approach may do more harm than good.

What You Need from Training

So what do you need, if not the mechanics? Here are four things you'd be wise to demand from your training session:

1. Work on the cause of your discomfort, not merely the symptoms.

Most people say that one-on-one or in a small group, they're comfortable with speaking; they only feel awkward when speaking to a large group. If that's the case, there's good news: You don't have to work on your speaking; you have to work on getting comfortable being the center of attention. It may not seem like a significant shift but it is. Speakers tend to work only on what they're putting out to the audience (content, appearance, visual aids, voice). Often, the real work is learning to let in what's coming from audience members, namely their attention.

2. Demand a dignified, healthy process, not just a good outcome.

In Mandy's case, even without ropes, she would probably gesture less the next time she spoke, but is that really success? Though the end result of her training was fewer gestures, the teacher cut a swath of emotional destruction on the way. Desired ends don't justify humiliating means. Always demand to be treated with respect as you work to develop your speaking skills.

3. Insist on privacy regarding your video.

A common tool in presentation skills training is video, but your video is no one's business but yours. I have seen accomplished, respected professionals shrink in horror as their video was shown to and critiqued by the entire class. All learning value was lost because they were too mortified by the public display to learn anything. Besides, it's a waste of time. The class just saw you present the real thing. Why make them watch you twice? In my workshops, students go to the fun and funky "Learning Lounge" where they have a private video monitor with earphones, snacks, a comfortable chair, cozy quilts, and a soothing foot massager. The lighthearted atmosphere takes the sting out of self-awareness so students can concentrate on learning. Nothing good comes from public humiliation, so if you're not comfortable with a public video viewing, stand up for your right to privacy.

4. Feel free to explore your gifts.

"Stay inside the lines." Remember that one? You got a new box of crayons and wanted to go crazy with them, but a teacher or parent squashed your creativity by making you color inside pre-existing lines. The same happens in speaking. Max, a former student of mine, had always been told to follow the rules as a speaker, so he concentrated on his voice, his stance, his visual aids, etc. When given permission to forget the rules and speak from his heart, a delightful dry sense of humor emerged that made him much more likeable and, therefore, more persuasive. He incorporated this gift into a presentation that was already effective in the traditional sense, but now had a wonderful new dimension that would have been missed had he not played "outside the lines."

Mechanics have their place, but you may need to go beyond nit-picking mechanics. You're a unique human being with gifts, talents, stories, fears, dreams, and heart. Don't settle for anything less than a dignified, compassionate approach.

Even horses deserve that.

* Name has been changed to protect privacy.

(c) 2002, Upside Down Speaking

About The Author

Melissa Lewis turns traditional thinking about public speaking upside down to give people more comfort, confidence, and charisma in front of groups. She does this through keynotes, workshops, coaching and innovative virtual learning programs. She is a former comic actress, a certified facilitator of SPEAKING CIRCLES, president-elect of the National Speakers Association Kansas City Chapter, and author of the soon-to-be-released book, Upside Down Speaking. For more information, call (913) 341-1241, email mailto:MelissaUDS@aol.com or visit http://www.upsidedownspeaking.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Melissa_Mayers_Lewis

My Grandfather's Mail: On the Art of Dignity

A promotional circular arrived in the mail today. It's addressed: "Informed Consumer."
Now I have to wonder... if they really think I'm informed, then why are they still sending me mail? Logically, I think they should be sending this stuff to the uninformed consumers. I don't suppose that would look good on the envelope though.
If I'm going to receive junk mail, I prefer the kind that says "Current Resident." At least it's honest in its anonymity. "Current Resident" says "Look, we don't know you. This harassment isn't personal. We're bombarding everyone." In the electronic age, when even identity is for sale, anonymity is a rare thing. It makes me realize how much the world has changed since my grandfather's generation.
When my grandfather lived with us--this is a while back now, somewhere circa 1980--one of his habits that I found to be rather eccentric was his daily routine of answering all his mail personally. Even the junk mail.
Letters from Sears would receive a polite, hand-written note in return. "Dear Sirs: Thank you for your kind offer dated Wednesday, April 24. Fortunately, our dishwasher is in excellent condition and is serving our needs quite adequately. However, should we find ourselves in need of such an appliance in the future, we will be sure to consider your fine products."
Needless to say, my grandfather was on every mailing list in the country. He passed away over twenty years ago, and mail still shows up for him from time to time at the family household.
I like to think of these straggling missives as more personal, somehow, than the junk mail I get myself. I think of some hopeful soul somewhere wondering why they never hear from him anymore, sending out one more letter or catalog on the off chance that they might be able to spark up that old dialog again.
There was a certain politeness in my grandfather's day that we have lost utterly as a country. Mail was really intended for people back then. It wasn't just scatter shot across the suburban bow.
Of course a lot of other things have changed too, and many of them for the better. I love my computer. I love my cell phone. I love the Civil Rights Act of 1965. But I don't like the fact that businesses have stopped worrying about annoying people. What's the world coming to when we stop being concerned about each other?
Believe it or not, I wish I had the time to answer all my own junk mail personally. I'd still know it was junk mail, but at least I'd have the luxury of behaving otherwise. In the end, my grandfather had it right. The world may have become anonymous around him, but he never gave in to it. To his dying day, he still treated every soul with dignity.
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Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=EM_Sky

Dignity

Dignity. When you read that word. What exactly does it mean to you? Here. Read it again. D-i-g -n-i-t-y.
As of late, I’ve begun to ask myself is dignity an attribute each of us are born with? More importantly, is dignity something that can be taken away from us? You know. Like when a wicked woman emasculates, or weakens her man. Can dignity be taken away in that same manner?
Before I give you my take on the above, let’s first take a gander at the definition of dignity, shall we? Dignity: 1: the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed. 2 a: a high rank, office, or position. b: a legal title of nobility or honor.
I’ll let you guys mull over the above definition while I further the purpose for this script by telling you another one.
Let’s face it. Relationships are difficult. I surmise, that’s the reason why as elder marrieds share their extended years of matrimony, most people are in awe. When you hear there are people in the world who’ve remained married for 20, 30, or 50-years or more, we are nothing less than surprised.
I’ve recently been enlightened to the fact that people by default, are difficult. Men are difficult. Women are difficult. Hell, children are difficult! It’s a complex situation to attempt to mesh a woman with a man, a woman with a woman or a man with a man, even. Sharing and maintaining a bond is hard work. So, tell me. What’s the secret? Is there a secret to blissful unions?
Take the man who finds out that his woman had over fifty lovers when she admitted telling him she had only ten. Is the man’s dignity being challenged because his ego is crushed as a result of finding out his woman is as savvy and maybe even more experienced a lover than he? What about the woman who is involved with a man who refuses to view her in a respectful light overall as a decent individual? He generalizes his opinion by admitting to her that he believes all women to be whores and cannot be trusted. How’s she supposed to ingest that comment? Is the woman’s dignity being challenged or taken away by her guy’s unrealistic view points relative to women?
I believe no one can take away or tamper with a person’s self respect or dignity unless you give them power to do so. Dignity flows from within. Kinda like self-esteem.
In contrast, I also believe a person can give away their dignity by involving themselves or contributing to negative or disrespectful circumstances. I’ll explain:
If a man continues to associate and sexually involve himself in a sexual liaison with women who are married or living with another man, I believe he is sacrificing his dignity in doing so. If a woman continues a relationship with her best friend’s fiancé then she is sacrificing her dignity and self-respect. If you have to lie to a woman in order to get her between the sheets, then you are sacrificing your own dignity. If a woman has sex with a man in order to get him to pay her utility bill, then her dignity is being challenged or forfeited.
I believe Dignity is how much you allow yourself to be disrespected or purposely made to feel small at the hands of another. (Purposely being the operative word).
Everyone has a tolerance level of how much crap they’ll endure from another. I now I have my level. But isn’t that when dignity should come into play? When someone is forcing you to do or put up with that which otherwise you normally would not blink an eye at? Your actions defending your dignity should dictate how much those challenging your self-respect in the first place’ll respect you later.
It’s an unfortunate for me that I remain in situations and relationship a lot longer than I should at times, becoming a ‘hanger-oner.” I surmise I do this so when and if I must make a decision to leave, then there is no reason for me to second-guess that action. So if my mate says or does something that normally would make me want to scram, I ignore my natural instincts to leave and remain in the relationship to see how things will work out once the smoke clears. Hey, that works for me; it might not be the move for you.
I must admit, sometimes I get “hot headed,” as most do at one time or another. That’s when I make hasty decisions. Being inundated with anger then I have to rescind a word or an action later with my tail between my legs. (I hate doing that, don’t you?). Also, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. At least once anyway.
Dignity. So tell me? When you read that word. What exactly does it mean to you? Here. Read it again. D-I-G-N-I-T-Y. What’s your interpretation of it? I’d like to know.
(c) 2006 by C. V. Harris. All rights reserved.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=C._V._Harris

Choosing A Care Home

Making a choice about a care home is often something considered in a crisis, perhaps after an illness or fall, or loss of a carer. Many look back and wish they had given more consideration to this.

It's a good idea to do some planning now, especially if you, or a member of your family might need residential care in the future. This way you will know what to do, if the need arises.

A good starting point is talking with friends and relatives to see if they can recommend a good home. Your Doctor will also be able to advise you and your local Social Services will be able to give you a list of registered care homes in your area.

The Elderly Accommodation Council provides lists of care homes in most areas and if you are looking for a nursing home, the Registered Nursing Home Association will provide a list of these.

We all know that choosing care for someone you love can be a tough and emotional decision. You can seek support and advice from the Relatives and Residents Association and you can find out a great deal about an individual home by viewing the Care Standards inspection reports.

Most people find that choosing a care home, whether residential or nursing, is very similar to choosing any place to live and that within minutes you know whether it feels right or not.

Once you have chosen your care home, the next step is to contact them, so that they can assess your needs. This is to ensure that they can offer you the right kind of care. Contact the home direct if you will be paying all the fees yourself.

However if you need all or part of the fees to be paid by the local authority, you will need to speak to your GP first and also the local Social Services, who will assess your needs and develop a care-plan.

If you think that care homes are for the wealthy only, then you will be shocked to hear that over seventy percent of residents in care homes have their charges paid partly or fully by their local authority.

Crantock Lodge Residential Home:- Crantock Lodge offers residential, respite and day care for the elderly. Situated in Newquay, Cornwall, in the south west of England. It offer 10 rooms - 5 of which have sea views.

Website: http://www.crantocklodgeresidentialhome.netfirms.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rosemarie_Glanville

Types of Care for the Elderly

You cannot simply split social care services between residential care and home care. There are many new schemes, such as extra care housing and sheltered housing that enable you to receive care, as and when you need, yet remain as independent as possible. This article gives you an idea about the needs of people who use care service and care homes and what is offered in each case. Care Homes There are two main types of care homes, those with nursing care and those without.

Residential Care homes

Residential homes offer an option for those who are having difficulties coping, or need more help than their carers are able to provide. A residential home provides you with accommodation, meals and personal care and is usually long term. This means help to bath and dress, but not nursing care for any medical conditions you may have. The normal minimum age for admission into a residential home is sixty-five, but you should check, as some homes may admit younger residents. You may be able to mix and match various types of care, including taking regular short breaks from the relative who usually looks after you. This is called respite care and fees are generally higher.

Care homes with nursing care

Nursing homes also provide accommodation, meals and personal care, but additionally always have qualified nurses who can give care for those who have more complex health needs. They may also provide specialist dementia care. The fees are usually higher than in a residential home but it is possible to receive funding towards them. Again the minimum age is usually sixty-five.

Dual registered homes

These offer both nursing and residential care. This is ideal for couples who require different levels of care, or if your needs may change in the future. Dual homes are usually registered for a detailed number of nursing and residential beds.

All care homes and nursing homes are registered and inspected frequently

Dementia and specialist care

The elderly with Dementia related conditions like Alzheimer's may, depending on the level of dementia, receive care in a nursing or residential home. However there are specialist units, which have experienced staff and modified facilities. It's always best to discuss your needs with your local home first. They can offer guidance and arrange an assessment if needed. There are also specialist care homes for conditions like Parkinson's disease; again the staff will be specially trained and have adapted facilities.

Convalescent or post-operative care

This offers short-term care for people recuperating from an operation or illness. Most nursing homes offer both restorative and post-operative care, but residential homes will generally only offer convalescent care. Fees are generally higher for short stays.

Palliative and terminal care

This is compassionate care of the long term and terminally ill and fixed on improving the quality of life. Palliative care mainly concentrates on pain control and symptoms. These specialist approaches include the individual, the family, friends, carers and, and expands to grief and bereavement.

Care in your own home

You can arrange to be cared for in your own home or get local agencies to arrange this for you. Carers can help with personal care, dressing, bathing, preparing meals or provide support and respite for carers. This type of care may just be for a few hours or twenty-four hour care if needed. If you need to make your home more comfortable and user friendly, grab rails, stair lifts etc, it may be possible to get a grant for this.

Nurses agencies

Some nursing agencies send nurses to visit the elderly at home if they need medical or specialist care. This is usually after discharge from hospital. The regularity of the visits can fluctuate from several times a day to once a week, depending on the requirements of the individual.

Crantock Lodge Residential Home:- Crantock Lodge offers residential, respite and day care for the elderly. Situated in Newquay, Cornwall, in the south west of England. It offer 10 rooms - 5 of which have sea views.

Website: http://www.crantocklodgeresidentialhome.netfirms.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rosemarie_Glanville

My Elderly Father Was Swinging From the Chandelier, Protecting The Dignity Of Aging Loved Ones

Often, the focus of the person providing the direct care is on protecting their loved one, and enhancing their dignity and self-esteem. As their loved ones behavior becomes unpredictable and care needs increase, it is sometimes easier to avoid telling anyone, or going out in public, such as church or visiting with friends.

The Challenge - The person providing the direct care has difficultly sharing with family and friends the actual behaviors and physical care needs of their loved one, resulting in caregiver isolation. It can be over whelming and sometimes embarrassing for the caregiver to share the details of the loved ones condition or behavior with family members, neighbors or people at church. Many family members only see what is really happening when they get together for special occasions and holidays.

The Solution - Being aware of your loved ones condition and behavior is essential in helping the direct caregiver.

1. The family may want to schedule regular visits on a rotating schedule, so they can see their loved ones behavior first hand.
• Sometimes each family member sees things in a little different way, and if they each visit at different times they can get together later to share their views of the situation.
• The direct caregiver may react differently to each family member; being more open with some.

2. The direct caregiver and/or other family members may want to join a support group. It is sometimes easier to discuss the situation with others who are in similar situations as yours.

3. Explore ways of protecting the dignity and self-esteem of your loved one:
• Explain their condition and behavior openly to others before they see the person.
• Accommodations can be made to make you and your loved one more comfortable in a public situation. For example, the Alzheimers' Association has cards that can be given to the server in a restaurant that explains your loved ones dementia and behavior.

As you visit your aging loved ones, observe for changing care needs and behaviors. Have different family members or friends visit at different times of the day and evening. Stay the night. Provide opportunities for the direct caregiver to discuss the most challenging aspect of care. Talk with friends and family members about their observations. Develop ways to protect the dignity and self esteem of your loved one when inviting people in or when taking the loved one out.

Carol McGowan RN and Cindy Streekstra RN are Caregiver Coaches and geriatric nurses who share a mission of caring for caregivers as part of a family unit. Their passion for caregivers has led them to create The Caregiver Cottage, a virtual place of support where they guide family caregivers through the care giving experience.

Click here for more information on planning for elder care http://www.guidingfamilycaregiving.com

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